HELL IS REAL AND IT'S CALLED TUESAY!

HELL IS REAL AND IT’S CALLED TUESDAY.

Let me walk you through one of the great historical tragedies of our bloodline.

My cousin—who we’ll call "Derek," because his real name is "Derek" —decided one 4th of July to “entertain the troops” by lighting a bottle rocket from between his butt cheeks like he was trying to declare independence from common sense.

That firework went places.

It arced.
It screamed.
It rewrote the definition of “hot seat.”
You ever seen a grown man sprint into a kiddie pool like his butt just got baptized in jalapeño oil?  I have.
And let me tell you what did not work:

Diaper rash cream
Cooling Hemorrhoid ointment
A frozen bag of shrimp
Saying “I’m fine”
And hiding it from his parents, who still think he sat on the grill by accident
He didn’t poop for three weeks. I’m not even mad—I’m still impressed.

THE URINE OLYMPICS OF 2002
Let’s talk about trauma. Real, formative, soul-bending trauma.

One summer, the older cousins dared us male cousins to “see who could pee the furthest” on a wire fence sround the cows. Classic. Innocent. Olympic-level urine athletics.

They backed us up like it was a precision sport. Stages. Technique. Aim.

No one thought to ask why the fence was buzzing like it had secrets.
No one considered the phrase "electric livestock deterrent."
But we found out.
Involuntarily.
Via groin lightning.

That fence zapped us so hard, my cousin Tommy did a cartwheel and forgot his middle name for two years. I personally saw heaven, hell, and my 4th grade math teacher all at once. And I swear I can’t listen to static without twitching.

We learned valuable life lessons:

It zapped us into puberty and right back out again.
It rearranged our DNA.
I don’t even know if my family tree has branches anymore after that stunt. Just one long scorched stick with all of us lined up, humming like a bass guitar.

Don’t trust cousins named "Roy"
Electricity is fast
Pee should never whistle
And puberty can go backwards

SO WHY READ THIS CHAOS?  WHAT'S THE POINT?

There is no point. It’s hot, it’s Tuesday, and we’re all questioning our sanity. But at NoClubClub.com, we say:

Be loud.
Be weird.
Be the reason someone else laughs so hard they reconsider their family reunion plans.
Because if you’ve ever had to explain to an old family pharmacist why you need burn cream, hemorrhoid ointment, and a frozen bag of shrimp on the fifth of July—you already belong here.  

 
🔥 LIKE OUR FACEBOOK PAGE IF YOUR COUSINS NEED TO BE CALLED OUT.
🧨 SHARE THIS POST BEFORE YOU COMBUST.
🚫 JOIN THE CLUB THAT IS NOT A CLUB BUT IS A CULTURAL NECESSITY.
💀 WE CAN'T GUARANTEE LAUGHS. BUT WE CAN GUARANTEE SWEAT STAINS.

ONE MORE THING-MAKE "NOT ROY ROY" FAMOUS, WE BEG AS A FAMILY, LIKE HIM ON FB- "ROY FARMER"-WE ARE TRYNG TO PUT UP FRED SANFORDS PICTURE.  PLEASE GO BEFRIEND HIM. HE WILL FRIEND YOU BACK. THIS IS ALL NEW TO HIM.  (WE THINK HE HAS LOST HIS MIND-HE THINKS NO ONE CARES..LOL)